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pavarian

January 2017

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Dream a little bigger, darling.

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there are times when i sit and wonder, what am I doing here? crazy enough to work in a foreign country, in one of the most american states around. I tell myself it's because of the career opportunities, that valuable one-up to get ahead in this world. To make enough money so I can pay back my parents, retire early, and finally be able to do the things i really want to do.

there are times i lie in bed and think if i made the right decision, since almost nothing but the career bit makes up a valid reason. every day has me with my public face on - even with the few friends i know here. None of it is really me. There's no one person I can actually fully relax with, and just be myself. At home it's me and my computer, a good book, a nice show, some good music. Everyone I truly treasure isn't here. They're all at home, going on with their lives, and at times I get a snapshot. But that's all it really is, a snapshot. Every time I feel I'm losing a bit more of that link to them. And with the 15 day vacation limit, there's little i can do when i get back, and I have to force myself to portion time, rank relationships, cut the interaction. I'm losing all that too quickly, and it sucks.

Sucks too to have someone remind you how you're just too far away for anything. But i can't do anything really, short of actually nixing my job and coming back unemployed and going against everything I promised myself. It almost makes me envious, all those people who have to go back after their university stint ends. Makes me wonder whether everything would have been different if I'd just stayed at home and did that engineering degree. Makes me wonder if everything here would feel less mundane, less difficult, less alone.
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